Sharky Malarky

Alright, so a few people have been eaten by sharks. Yes, lions have maimed a couple safari members. And ok, Amazon snakes have swallowed several sleeping men whole. So these animals got the better of some of the more stupid homosapiens; so what? We were in their elements when these accidents happened. Man doesn’t belong in the ocean; if he did, he’d have disgusting gills…or at least require less equipment to get there. So, as it is unnatural for a man to be in the water, and as it is the shark’s thriving habitat, no wonder the sharks succeed in eating Billy, Poco, and One-Legged-Timmy. I’d like to see a shark flop into an office of cubicles and then we’ll see who takes who. Jason the Shark would get creamed; no doubt in my mind. Even if Jason had Land SCUBA gear; he’s going down. He’s not in his element. And he’s a stupid fish.
The same goes for the lion and the snake. If either were stupid enough to walk or slither into a Wal-Mart, they’d be muerto faster than the greeter could say hola.
This is why I propose we keep the humans on the land, the lions and snakes in the jungle, the greeters in the Wal-Mart, and the sharks in the sea. Yes, segregation for the safety of the less gifted of our race. The snakes would have separate drinking fountains and the lions would have non-air-conditioned buses. And who are they to rise up against it? A bloody coup perhaps? No. Not going to happen. Our brains are at least twice as big and on land, no animal can beat us. Plus, we have guns.
We’ve got incredible shark fruit snacks. We don’t need anything more real or delicious than that. I’m sick of stupid, smart-a$$ dolphins getting so much credit for being SO intelligent. WE’RE WAY SMARTER THAN ANY STUPID DOLPHIN. So let’s start living up to it. Let’s stay where we’re naturally supposed to stay. We’re smarter than this. The fish and the snakes think they are winning. I stand forthright and proclaim, “They are not.”
If you do find yourself in the ocean face to face with a ravenous shark, remember this: I am smarter than any fish. I ate one just like this for lunch today, right after my princess fruit snacks. My kind flew to the moon, split the atom, and invented the microwave burrito. I don’t see any sharks OR DOLPHINS advancing technology or trying to solve world hunger. This shark is tuna.
And with that, I suggest you bite that shark’s jugular before he bites yours. And if you go down, which you probably will because you weren’t supposed to be in the ocean in the first place, dummy, at least you’ve proved humans won’t go down without a fight. You’ve proved the dominance which is rightfully ours.