On Death

I'm one stabbing, one biting, one drowning, one infection, one virus, one poisoning, one shove, one severe paper cut, one electrocution, one accidental Listerine gulp, one axe murder away from death. That's pretty close for comfort. Do I think about death all the time? No. Only some of the time. There are just too many ways for it to happen to put my focus on one in particular. Sure, if I ever came face to face with a shark, Larry would probably eat my face off, but do I dwell on this? Not at all. The fact of the matter is, there probably aren't any sharks in any place I would ever swim. Especially in the middle of Utah. Perhaps I might become possessed by a clown-cleaner fish and find myself with an uncontrollable urge to take a dip in the shark tank at the zoo. One can never overlook these possibilities, but statistically speaking, there are far more likely ways for me to come to an unfortunate demise. Tripping face first into the knife drawer for instance. Or something as simple and poetic as slipping in the shower. Yet another reason I take baths.
Other people raise the chances I'll meet an untimely death. It's kind of like an ice skating rink. I do just fine by myself in the middle of a big frozen pond, but add pre-teens and Kamikaze klutzes, and my mortality skyrockets.
Same goes for any public setting. Scenario: me walking down the hallway to grab a drink of water vs me threading through hoards of people to grab that drink; I'm much more likely to get bumped out a window or trampled to death in the latter.
Other people are also murderers. Probably not most of them, but who really knows, after all, when murder-vision camera work is coming up behind you. You wouldn't. Until you're dead. And if you're walking outside at night, by yourself and you hear a strange noise? Don't look around like a wounded doe and ask feebly, "Is anyone there?" If someone is there and he's going to kill you, he'll kill you anyway and revel in your stupidity for clearly giving away your position. If it's not a murderer, he probably would have already shown himself. So maybe run. Or accept your fate and face him/it like a man.
And if people say a house if haunted, it probably is. So being skeptical is just going to give you the first ticket for the gruesome death. And when a little girl beckons you towards the dark looming woods, it's probably a good idea just not to go. So just don't.
And you never know if you're actually schizophrenic and killed your own dog and later your ex-wife and her boyfriend, so it's probably a good idea to get yourself checked out on a regular basis.
Finally, if a guy says he'll eat you, don't just brush that off. Take most threats seriously. Things like, "You're so cute I could just squeeze you to death," are not to be taken lightly. Or "I'd kill for a donut." Just run and take your donut with you.