Life is too short for fun-sized Snickers...This post is on PROCRASTINATION.

Let's reflect for a moment on procrastination. I always figured my abnormalities would come in the form of something more obvious--a second pinky toe, a strong aversion to...something generally loved, an obsession with country music--something interesting..but no, my major idiosyncrasy is that I don't procrastinate. This quirk of doing things when they need to be done, of turning papers in on time, of being to class on time, washing a dish when I'm done eating off of it, etc--these activities are generally viewed as strange behavior, nerdy habits even. I'M the crazy one for getting an assignment, doing that assignment, and then turning that assignment in for full credit. And when the masses of procrastinators all get together, "cute" little ironic quips about their "unfortunate condition" and smart little mottos like "Why do today what can be done tomorrow" evoke a "har har har" from the followers, and they all have a jolly time sharing amongst themselves in that moment of camaraderie and passing around of slogan buttons. "Procrastinators Unite!...Tomorrow..." Yes, I see the wise crack, and no, I'm not "in" on this. All the procrastinators, (probably 98-99% of any population) seem to think all others are like them.
Teachers will ask of a class in a sarcastic, all-knowing way, "Now who here never procrastinates?" She'll puff herself out and look around, eyeing each of us, basking in the nervous giggles and mild snickers; a confirmation of her suspicions. But no. I say no. No more of this passive approval. These people are telling us between the lines that "Hey, it's cool to procrastinate. Who does things when they should to avoid problems piling up shortly down the road, culminating, culminating, a sudden spark here, then an explosion there, and tasks and obligations implode on themselves leaving you under the rubble, smeared across the desk you needed to fix days ago, and with no procrastinator friends, because what? ah yes, they've all gone out for beer--who does that? Schmoes. So let's be cool and not do stuff until it ruins our lives when it finally does come due. Let's have our little "har har hars" and bathe in our unfinished papers, overdue bills, and lawsuit threats. Yeah, go for it. Don't be a schmoe like me who has even a sliver of foresight and an appreciation for consequences here in the real world.

Solution: I propose all procrastinators, lazy, shapeless people be required to wear paper bags over their heads . Don't worry, I'll draw the picture on the front that will be an accurate depiction of what I deem as their inner beauty. Also, a button, because they so adore buttons, that will say, "Procrastinators Unite!...Today at 4pm at the pillory."